I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
wow bdsm is so cute
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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