I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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