everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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