I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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