i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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