First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
