Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
