I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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