I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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