The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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