She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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