Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
