You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
