Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
