oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
