I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
