She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
