My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
