He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
