She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
