I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
