I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
