My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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