god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That's when you crack a 10am beer
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
