my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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