Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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