what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
