I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
home. puking in laundry basket.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
