My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Drake has all the answers
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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