Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
