Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
