I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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