On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
