I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Randomize
