smell my finger.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i think i just lost a toe
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
