I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm always down for nudity.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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