Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
