Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
