can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
