and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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