I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
