so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
