I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
