Me. At least after what I've been through.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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