I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
