I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Randomize
