Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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