it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
