How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
