I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
