Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
